(***TRIGGER WARNING – this blog deals with mental health issues***)
Writing about my own journey with mental wellbeing was trickier than I thought.
I didn’t want to over share, there’s plenty of that on the internet already.
But what I did want was it to feel a bit warm and fuzzy and maybe give you some hope if you’re feeling a bit Sh**house.
I’ve certainly learned a few things about myself putting this together and I am sort of feeling like even if it doesn’t serve you, it has served me.
And let’s face it, us mums need to be much more ok with doing things just to please us!
“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.” ~ Brene Brown
As a woman and as mother of 5 children I have had my fair share of times spent feeling pretty overwhelmed and like I was deeply failing in my life.
From financial hardships, to dealing with my children’s individual needs that sometimes far surpass my imagined life, let alone my role as a mother.
A regular thought being,
“how the heck did I become this raving lunatic and how does he still love me and want to touch me?”…. Sound familiar?
I feel as though with each year that passes, each hurdle I stumble over, I am learning more about myself, growing and changing. My own experiences with mental wellness and illness changes each time I feel grief, loss, despair or overwhelm. I gain more awareness of myself as time passes, what behaviours and beliefs have led me to feeling like I am never enough and have held me back from living a life free of caring what others think.
Here are a few things that I have learned from being at rock bottom and having to look at my life and what needed to change.
I was and am often that parent that just doesn’t do things by halves.
Long term breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping, home birthing mumma. I took parenting very seriously and I never wanted to fail. I didn’t want people to not like me. I wanted people to think I was doing a great job. I wanted to do a great job.
In hindsight, I was a perfectionist and it was eating away at me.
Mothering however seemed to come naturally to me, I had my eldest daughter at just 18 years old and I was so proud. But, I was hyper aware that people were talking. Or at least I thought they were and didn’t want to give them anything to talk about
So I made it my mission to prove them wrong and be the best damn mother I could be.
Heads up, it’s not a great way to live proving others wrong and caring so much about what others think, you never can please some people and not everyone will like you. Period. You’ve likely heard it a million times. And, for good reason. It’s true.
So anyone you are trying hard to seek the tick of approval from, aren’t worth it.
You can’t predict the future and no matter the preparation you put in, some things just happen and you will never ever be ready for it.
Mental illness is but just one of those things that you will never ever be prepared for.
Not for yourself and not for your loved ones.
When you climb down in the deep dark hole with someone you love and there is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent them ending up in there let alone do anything to drag them out of it…..
It’s like a vacuum and you can get sucked in if you continue trying to fix fix fix… do more, be more, be better.
“If you don’t make time for you, life will make you take time.”
Looking back to when I hit rock bottom… both metaphorically and figuratively.
I actually hit the deck and still to this day I am continuing to heal.
Life just kept serving me so many really unfair unsettling curve balls and there was just never a good time to completely lose it. Between work and 5 kids ages 6 to 15, a business to run and a marriage to nurture… there’s no time to lose it and staying there for long isn’t ideal.“When you keep trying to swim in a storm, eventually you get tired and you will sink to the bottom.”
I am not sure what I could have done differently, I think all of the lessons I have taken from getting to this place in my life where necessary. I had heard from so many people pre – “Epic 2021 rock bottom” that I needed to be careful of burn out.
Taking care of myself in hindsight may have prevented it. But, it would have also prevented me from growing from the experience and having this insight.
Magic from Dark places
I think the magic was and is IN the burn out.
The magic was for me in the realising that we can absolutely get out of that really sh***y place and holding tightly onto those little glimmers of hope where what helped me out.
Your lover, your mum, your best friend, your babies.
HANG ON – TO ANYTHING – CREATE SOMETHING TO HANG ON TO
Take photos of ants eating crumbs
Celebrate taking a shower
Celebrate making a meal
CELEBRATE EVERY LITTLE ELEMENT OF YOUR LIFE WHENEVER YOU CAN NO MATTER HOW SMALL xx
Hey you’re not alone ok.
There’s always hope and there’s always someone to talk to, if this blog has raised concerns for you personally please reach out to a service listed I hope can assist you
Lifeline – 13 11 14
Beyond Blue – 1300 224 636
1800Respect – 1800 737 732